'Tis The Season For Stalkers: Christmas Songs About Celebrities. I won't pretend to be able to justify the existence of this list outside the claustrophobic world of record collecting. Christmas records about famous people are long a thing of the past (the latest example I've listed is from 1978), and only two artists (Elvis and the Beatles) were ever the object of appreciable numbers of these weird platters. And, while it's easy to picture teenage fans listening to these records and dreaming Christmas dreams (or fantasizing masturbatory fantasies), the question as to whether that constituted unhealthy obsession or healthy displacement is open to debate. You be the judge, but I maintain that these records tell us as much about the nascent rock 'n' roll record industry as they did about teenaged America.

Most early rock stars were just like other recording artists - fame hungry hopefuls willing to do most anything for a shot at the spotlight. For every Elvis, Little Richard, and Jerry Lee, we were subjected to dozens of half-rate, dim-witted greaseballs ready and able to sing calculated tripe fed to them by the recording industry establishment - a cynical bunch of old men desperately trying to figure out this crazy new beat. To them, it followed that if kids loved Elvis, they'd love Christmas paeans to Elvis, too.

Lucky for us, they were - for the most part - wrong. None of these records were big hits, so there are relatively few of them. Of course, it didn't help matters that most of them are irredeemably bad - though charmingly so. As inferred above, these songs weren't so much teenage fantasies as old men's conceptions of teenage fantasies - the same phenomenon that spawned many of Elvis' horrible movies, not to mention the Monkees and the Knack, each of which, admittedly, hold certain pleasures.

(Fair to note that I don't actually own most of these records. They are rarely collected on various artist discs, and I've been unwilling to pay the absorbent amounts the original 45s usually fetch. Hence, I have not indulged below in extensive annotation.)

Anyway, kids these days seem way too sophisticated to be taken in by this sort of obvious exploitation - imagine "Christmas Party With Linkin Park" or "Santa, Leave Eminem Under My Tree." So, though relegated to the past and largely forgotten, it's fun to listen to these "stalker" records and imagine a Christmas when any of us - starry-eyed adolescents or conniving entertainment executives - could have ever been so innocent. Know of a good Christmas record to stalk by? Drop me a line...

Randy Anthony

Elvis Presley

1. Debbie Dabney, "I Want To Spend Christmas With Elvis" (Savoy, 1956)
   Originally released on Regency Records under the name Marlene Paul. Written by Don Kirshner and Bobby Darin. Covered the same year by Little "Lambsie" Penn for Atco.
2. Holly Twins, "I Want Elvis For Christmas" (Liberty, 1956)
   Another Bobby Darin composition. Features Eddie Cochran both playing guitar and impersonating Elvis.
3. Mad Milo, "Christmas With Elvis" (Million, 1957)
   A break-in record similar to Buchanan & Goodman's "Santa & The Satellite."
4. Diana Williams, "Goodbye Bing, Elvis & Guy" (Little Gem, 1977)
   In a letter to Santa, this singer laments the King's recent passing, as well as that of Bing Crosby and Guy Lombardo.
5. Michele Cody, "Merry Christmas, Elvis" (Safari, 1978)
   

The Beatles

1. Dora Bryan, "All I Want For Christmas Is A Beatle" (Fontana, 1963)
   Note that this record and the following were released before the Beatles hit it big in America.
2. Cindy Rella, "Bring Me A Beatle for Christmas" (Drum Boy, 1963)
3. Christine Hunter, "Santa Bring Me Ringo" (Roulette, 1964)
4. Jackie & Jill, "I Want A Beatle For Christmas" (U.S.A., 1964)
   A song of the same title was recorded same year by both Patty Surbey & the Canadian VIP's (Aragon) and Becky Lee Beck (Challenge) - not sure if they're the same composition.
5. Three Blonde Mice, "Ringo Bells" (Atco, 1964)
6. Judy & The Duets, "Christmas With The Beatles" (Ware, 1964)

Special Bonus Obsession: Eddie Fisher

Not even sure if this counts. On "I Want Eddie Fisher For Christmas" (RCA, 1954), musical raconteur Spike Jones was hardly preoccupied with the pre-rock teen idol. He was, in fact, making fun of the mind set (first seen with fans of Frank Sinatra and Johnny Ray) that would soon lead to the sort of buffoonery listed above. But, it's about a celebrity, so there you go! Also recorded - probably without irony - by Betty Johnson for New Disc Records the same year.